Dear Abe,
Is being 70 too old to find love again?

I'm a single, 240-year-old dinosaur. So no. Never give up on love.

Dear Wade,
I have a crush on this guy. What's the best way get him to like me back?

GET HIS PHONE NUMBER AND TEXT HIM NON-STOP UNTIL HE AGREES TO GO ON A DATE. THEN, WHILE ON SAID DATE, TALK ABOUT YOUR EXES SO HE GETS A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOU LIKE IN A PARTNER. FINALLY, ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO MEET YOUR MOTHER. GUYS LOVE THAT.

Dear Abe,
What’s your favorite pick-up line?

Are you my appendix? I don't know what you do or how you work but I feel like I should take you out...

Dear Wade,
What does my nerd partner really want?

WHAT AM I? YOUR PERSONAL SHOPPER NOW? HERE!

Dear Abe,
How can I spice up my marriage?

That's an easy one. Step 1: go to your nearest corner store. Step 2: pick up some cardamom, cinnamon, cloves. Step 3: mix spices into a bowl. Step 4: dump bowl of spices onto you and your partners head. Now you're both spiced up!

Dear Wade,
I really like this girl, but she doesn't know I exist. How can I get her to notice me?

SHE'S PROBABLY SAD BECAUSE SHE JUST GOT DUMPED BY HER JOCK BOYFRIEND. SO TIMING IS PERFECT. WRITE HER A LETTER CONFESSING YOUR FEELINGS. MAKE SURE TO ATTEND THE GRADUATION PARTY THAT SHE'LL BE AT LATER SO YOU CAN GIVE HER THE LETTER IN PERSON. DON'T FORGET TO DRAG YOUR BFF ALONG FOR SUPPORT. ...wait....

Dear Abe,
Dylan or George?

Never trust a Dylan. So, George. Always George.

Dear Wade,
How do I get someone to appreciate "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats the way I do?

LEAVE THEM BEHIND. 'CAUSE THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T DANCE. AND IF THEY DON'T DANCE WELL THEY'RE NO FRIENDS OF MINE...er...OR YOURS!

Dear Abe,
I have written my wife a valentines card for 33 years now. Any advice on a cracking line I can write in her card this year?

If you were a president, you'd be Babe-Raham Lincoln. Happy Valentine's Day. ❤️

Dear Wade,
Are you and Abe friends, enemies… or lovers?

AUNT SHARON! I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU. IT'S COMPLICATED, OK?!?

Dear Abe,
How do you make them take the next step?

So what you want to do is have them stand up straight without leaning forward or backward. Keeping their eyes forward and their chin up, have them pick up one leg, bending the knee slightly, and walk forward. Remember to tighten the core!

Dear Wade,
What’s a good strategy to keep someone interested in you? I’ve been having trouble with people constantly losing interest and it’s frustrating.

GET YOURSELF SOME HANDCUFFS AND LATCH THEM TO YOU AND YOUR INTEREST. THROW AWAY THE KEY. NEVER LOOK BACK.

Dear Abe,
How do I stop ghosting people?

The first thing to do is always acknowledge that you ghosted them, which you've already done. Good job, you're already on the right path. It's OK to tell the person you're not interested in a nice way. Be honest with them and with yourself. Because in the end, we're all going to die.

Dear Wade,
What's your favorite romantic movie to watch?

JURASSIC PARK.

...and Terms of Endearment.