We asked you to write Abe & Wade with all your questions on love & dating and boy oh boy did they receive a lot. After careful deliberation and many arguments, we present to you some of their favorites...
Dear Abe,
When should people commit to a long distance relationship?
NEVER. Unless you want to, then RIGHT NOW! Every relationship is different. Only you two can decide what's right for you! Question conventional wisdom and dare to do what feels good for you! Above all, do not under any circumstances make any major life decisions based solely on advice given by an anthropomorphic cartoon dinosaur.
Dear Wade,
How do I put spice back in my marriage?
GO TO COSTCO AND GET ONE OF THOSE GIANT THINGS OF PAPRIKA. SHAKE OVER MARRIAGE. REPEAT UNTIL DESIRED SPICINESS IS ACHIEVED.
Dear Abe,
What kind of gift should I bring when meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time?
Meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time can be stressful. But the truth is, the fact that their daughter is happy enough with you to bring you home is a great gift in and of itself! Having said that, a classic chip n' dip is the unequivocally perfect gift.
Dear Wade,
I’m in love with two completely different people, how do I decide who to be with?
DECIDE CAUCUS STYLE! FLIP A COIN! WHAT COULD GO WRONG!?
Dear Abe,
Does age really matter when it comes to love and relationships?
I'm 230 Million years old. So I'm going to go ahead and say...sometimes?
Dear Wade,
I met a man and I don’t want to scare him away, how do I play it cool?
HAVE HIM FOR DINNER. ERR...HAVE HIM OVER FOR DINNER.
Dear Abe,
Why is my girlfriend ignoring me?
Have you ever seen the movie, The Sixth Sense?
Dear Wade,
How do you get over an ex?
PICK UP ONE LEG, STEP OVER EX, FOLLOWED BY OTHER LEG. [REPEAT IF NECESSARY]
Dear Abe,
All I seem to find are psycho crazy people. My entire 20s was wasted on bad relationships. Now entering my 30s, I fear I’ll never find “the one.” How do I stay optimistic and actually find someone that isn’t certified crazy?
Rather than calling a human being crazy, perhaps dig deeper to try to understand why these relationships failed and move on from there. With enough self-reflection, you'll find your match! And they won't be crazy! Shoot, now I did it.
Dear Wade,
What’s more important? Valentine’s Day or tacos?
WOW. HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN THIS POSITION. TACOS. TACOS ARE THE ANSWER.
Dear Abe,
Where are all the single women hiding?
In the Timehop office.
Dear Wade,
Will my sons get girlfriends soon?
MOM! I TOLD YOU NOT TO BOTHER ME AT WORK!!!
Dear Abe,
Do you have any cheesy Valentine day gift ideas? I’m really bad at that stuff but my boyfriend loves it.
I'm quite a fan of aged fresh cheddar. Although Manchego is a perfectly good cheese as well. I trust you’ll make the right decision.
Dear Wade,
Speaking to a guy, but he reads my messages and then responds to it a day later. Should I confront him or not? I really like him.
THAT IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME! YOU DESERVE A MAN WHO REPLIES BACK IN A TIMELY FASHION! BUT ALSO SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET OVERWHELMED BY SIMPLE TASKS LIKE REPLYING TO TEXT MESSAGES SO ALSO MAYBE BE COMPASSIONATE. IT'S HARD TO BE A PERSON! BUT ITS HARDER BEING A DINO. YOU BOTH SOUND OUT OF TOUCH, TBH. DINOSAURS CANT EVEN TXT. UGH LEAVE ME ALONE.
Dear Abe,
Tyler or Evan?
Tyler.
Dear Wade,
Am I legally required to buy my wife a gift?
CAPITALISM IS A SCAM! DON'T BUY ANYONE A GIFT EVER. MAKE HER SOMETHING FROM THE HEART LIKE A TASTEFUL MACARONI NECKLACE OR A COUPON BOOK FOR BASIC TASKS YOU SHOULD ALREADY BE DOING.
Dear Abe,
How will I know if he's worth it?
Well. Can he work it? Can he put his thing down, flip it and reverse it? Something to think about.
Dear Wade,
How do I ask a stranger to be my Valentine?
SCREAM HEY YOU!!! TELL THEM THERE IS A HOLE IN YOUR HEART. FOLLOW THEM AROUND FOR 45 MINUTES. WORKS LIKE A CHARM.
Dear Abe,
Are you a gay ally?
Oh honey, love is love.
Dear Wade,
I’m a carnivore dating a herbivore. I’m worried I might accidentally eat her - should we break up? Or should I just eat her then date her sister?
HOW ABOUT YOU TRY A SALAD FOR ONCE? HOW ABOUT THAT? THEN THE THREE OF YOU CAN ALL LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER EATING SALADS?
Dear Abe,
Where is the best place to take someone for a first date?
Two words: unlimited breadsticks.
Dear Wade,
I’m falling in love with this amazing girl! Do I tell her or hold back my feelings
LOOK. JUST TELL YOURSELF EVEN IF SHE SAYS NO, WE'RE ALL GONNA BE BURIED IN THE SAME DIRT HOLE ANYWAY. MAKES IT SEEM EASIER, RIGHT?
Dear Abe,
I have a crush on a guy, and I think he’s interested, but not interested ENOUGH. What should I do?
You know how Sandy from Grease changes absolutely everything about her personality and looks to get Danny's attention? Definitely don't do that! Stay true to you, boo! (But leather pants are not a bad idea because fashion!)
Dear Wade,
My gf is mad my 3 year streak is longer than hers and wants me to miss a day to reset it...what should I do?
I JUST RESET BOTH YOUR STREAKS TO ZERO. MAYBE NOW YOU YOU CAN TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS MORE. LIKE JEALOUSY. JEALOUSY IS A FEELING.
Dear Abe,
As a single person, how do I go to family events and deal with all the questions? Should I just bring someone and pretend I’m dating them?
Tell your family your dating yourself and watch the confusion spread across their face. Or just distract them with a board game or one of our cousin's questionable life choices. Either way, be strong and be solo.
Dear Wade,
Would a love potion help to win your crush’s love?
I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK! ONE PART APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. ONE PART PICKLED HERRING. TWO PARTS DURIAN FRUIT. BOIL FOR TWO MINUTES. BOTTLE. DUMP BOTTLE ON YOUR CRUSH. NO ONE WILL WANT TO BE AROUND THEM AND YOU CAN SWOOP IN AND WIN THEIR LOVE!
Whether you’re keeping it low key, riding solo or getting ready for that big date with the hot dino down the street, we hope you have a drama-free Valentine’s Day filled with candy!
